This column was originally titled: “Females’ Clothing Choice To Blame for Men’s Lewd ‘Ogling’”
It was changed to better reflect the column’s satirical content.
As spring approaches and the weather gets warmer, we all naturally change our winter wardrobes to appropriate spring attire. When women make the decision to wear their summer clothes, they are perpetuating a terrible, lecherous problem that they usually complain about called the ‘ogling conundrum.’
Ogling is a basic term for gawking at females in ways that they probably don’t want you to and is generally considered a problem initiated by men. The truth, however, is that it starts with women.
Ladies, while choosing which dress to wear on a warm, sunny day may seem relatively harmless, it enables the vicious ‘ogling’ cycle. This is because humans, including females, naturally wear less clothing and expose more skin during the spring and summer months.
This allows for other people to see more skin on women’s bodies in areas usually covered during winter months or in extremely conservative areas, like Alabama and Iran. Most of the time, the skin shown off in spring and summer female clothing tends to be the breasts, otherwise known as gourds, bouncing Buddha’s or boobs.
The problem is, despite being bombarded by images of these delicious pieces of the female anatomy, guys still find them very intriguing and fascinating when viewed in real life. Another problem is that guys have absolutely no will power and are rendered completely incapable of thought when near good-looking women.
Therefore, whenever guys can see some of this highly valued skin peeking out, they become very distracted by it. So distracted, in fact, that they often forget many things like where they were going, what they were going to do there, their name and the fact that they are now drooling.
Because men are very focused on viewing this breathtaking scenery, they tend to forget that other people can see them too. This leads to the woman with the breathtaking scenery noticing that she is the recipient of unwanted attention. Most of the time women are offended and insulted; at the very least, they act disgruntled about it when they gossip about the event later with their girlfriends.
Despite this, their clothing style doesn’t usually change, and that means the whole scenario will repeat itself at some point in future, thus continuing the vicious cycle of ‘ogling.’
To be fair, women are guilty of doing this to men too, but they are much better at not getting caught. Not only that, but men consider being ‘ogled’ an honor and worthy of exchanging hi-fives with the rest of the guys.
In short, men are weak creatures that cannot control what they do, so it is up to women to put a stop to this immoral epidemic of lewd behavior. Guys will always stare at scantily clad women, so ladies must be aware of that and accept the consequences of how they dress.