Thought You Knew: Keep Pregnancy Accidents Private

I like kids as much as the next person (as long as the next person doesn’t like kids too much).

What I’m saying is, I like kids as much as the next person who isn’t a pedophile.

I used to be in the “kids are the worst” camp, but then I decided as long as they’re not ugly or dirty or of below-average intelligence or named something stupid like Frappucinno, I am pro-children.

In fact, one day in the unforeseeable future, I wouldn’t even mind having one or two pet humans of my own. Having kids is the perfect activity for the narcissist who has already mastered Twitter, is proficient at blogging and owns all of the world’s mirrors. Having a child is like saying, “I’m so great, I made another me.”

What’s not to love about that?

I’ll tell you what’s not to love.

Logging onto Facebook to post a really funny video and getting distracted by pictures of a girl from high school’s newborn baby is something not to love.

Most newborns look like aliens without the added bonus of being from space. The pictures of this girl’s spawn are even less cute than the pictures she put up, oh let’s say, 10 months ago of her dancing in cages in Cabo with her “gurlz.”

I’m not a fan of seeing pictures of a girl from my middle school basketball team’s giant, disgusting, pregnant stomach taking up valuable space on my news feed that could be filled with anything else. Also, I despise frequent status updates about how thrilled they are that sobriety and dirty diapers are replacing their hopes and dreams. I’m not a fan of those either.

“But pregnancy is beautiful and babies are a gift, Jordan.”

“Don’t be such a dick, Jordan.”

“Just de-friend them if it bothers you so much, Jordan.”

While those are valid points, this is my column. Instead, I’m going to say potentially offensive things about strangers on Facebook during what, I’m sure, is a difficult, though probably rewarding, time in their lives. I’m going to do that. You can leave now if you’re not feeling it.

Anyway, yeah pregnancy and human life are beautiful (if you’re into fat chicks and existing), but liars aren’t beautiful and that’s what all of the barely legal pregnant girls on my Facebook are. They are huge liars.

Their photo captions and status updates about “blessings,” “joy” and “excitement” for the pile of cells they’re cooking up don’t fool me. No one thinks for one second that these young women chose to get knocked up, drop out of school and start working as receptionists at oceanfront tattoo shops.

However, accidents happen. If my future kids ever ask me where babies come from, I think my only response will be “Hey, accidents happen. Now go to bed.”

I have no problem with the fact they’re having kids. Great for them. Life handed them lemons and they’re making babies, or something.
I admire their ability to put a positive spin on things, but let’s be real.
You’re trying to tell me that, at 21, you had nothing better to do than bring another human being into the world who is entirely dependent on you not being a monumental failure?

Most of us are going to be alive for a really long time. Some might say too long. Why would you ever choose to do something this big so early in life?

I’m not asking that women my age stop having kids. I’m not advocating abortion. I just think we should all acknowledge that their obvious lies and over-sharing are unnecessary.

This is a call for honesty and a plea that some things just should be kept private.

When given the option between keeping the baby, vacuuming it out or giving it up to people who put ads in school newspapers about wanting to buy your kids, I’d probably hang on to it too.

I would also delete my Facebook. There have to be more important things to worry about than whether or not my elementary school classmates think Jordan Jr. has my ears.

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16 Comments

  1. Jillian says:

    This article is extremely inappropriate and I am appalled that it was printed in this paper. I cannot believe that you are so insensitive to say such hurtful things to people you don’t know and obviously do not care about. Six months ago I became a mother at the age of 21 just before my senior year at UMW. I am now back in school and do not regret any decision that I have made. NONE of my hopes and dreams have changed, they just have been altered to include a wonderful little boy. If you do not want to see the pictures of the new blessing, and yes I mean it when I say blessing, then delete me as a friend. The pictures are on Facebook for people who actually care about me and my new family and that most definitely is not you.

  2. Erin says:

    As much as I would like to think that this article is a joke, I can’t help but be really offended by it. I think you should try a little sensitivity and a little less snarky criticism because it just makes you seem like you have some sort of “I’m better than these people” complex.

  3. Thomas Ella says:

    Weird. When I read this article, I just turned on my “sense of humor,” didn’t take it seriously, and laughed a lot. In the middle of class, no less.

    Guess not everyone can do that.

  4. Arnold says:

    Another excellent column Mr. Kroll. This was spot on, especially the part where you said “You can leave now if you’re not feeling it.” I personally was “feeling it” so I kept reading. I laughed out loud twice, and thought “LOL” to myself three other times.

    While viewpoints that might be different than mine are scary and I like to be insulated from them at all costs, I realize that in college this might happen once or twice. But in the future, let me suggest less controversial topics such as “I like kittens” or “Taffy is delicious.” That way everyone can enjoy your specific brand of humor as much as I do. Keep up the good work sir!

  5. Thomas Bowman says:

    Ms. Kroll’s column is a humor column. If you are offended by it, you probably should have stopped reading when she said,

    “…this is my column. Instead, I’m going to say potentially offensive things about strangers on Facebook during what, I’m sure, is a difficult, though probably rewarding, time in their lives. I’m going to do that. You can leave now if you’re not feeling it.”

    If you don’t get the humor, don’t read the column.

  6. Yo Haters says:

    Do you realize that this is a column, and not an article? Do you know what the difference is? The value of this is that it is entertaining and insightful whereas articles are factually based. It is also HILARIOUS.

    Jordan even gave you a disclaimer. What more do you want?

  7. Jillian says:

    I don’t care whether this was an article or a column, humorous or not. I am almost the exact type of person she was bashing and regardless of whether she meant it or just did it to be funny, it hurt. Put yourself in my shoes, being a young mother in college and reading this. You would be offended too.

  8. andi says:

    I have to say I did smile a bit; it was funny. However, there should be some responsibility required to write columns, no matter their objectives. At the very least this particular column danced between out of line and outrageously funny. Guess it depends on whether or not you have kids.

  9. Thomas Ella says:

    Someone is always on the “losing” end of humor. That’s why things are funny. If you say one thing is off limits just because you’re offended by it since it affected you personally, you’re also saying that EVERYTHING is off limits since it surely affects SOMEONE out there personally.

  10. Ethan says:

    I agree with Jillian…this article is surprisingly offensive. (This coming from a 19 year old male, no less!) I didn’t find it humorous at all, and I usually find the crudest and most obnoxious things hilarious. That said, I personally believe this article has little purpose other than to intentionally offend others rather than to provoke a “humorous” response–which it really fails to do in the end. What’s the point? It’s rude, hurtful, and REALLY POINTLESS.

    The point of putting up pictures of a newborn child on Facebook is so that friends and family have a more tangible sense of how the baby is growing and doing. I have relatives who I rarely see, and it brings a smile to my face every time I see a new photo uploaded or funny video posted of their newborn child. I get to see him grow and mature in a way that I would not be able to otherwise. What’s wrong with that?

    These children are human beings. You are too. Calling them a “pile of cells,” and calling their mothers “disgusting,” “liars,” and “monumental failures” has only the potential to spit in the face of more than just young mothers and fathers. It’s true, many young moms must set aside much of their lives to care for the child–and not always in a respective way. But stereotyping all young mothers to be this is something else entirely. It’s rude, offensive, and utterly pointless.

  11. Thomas Ella says:

    Since when did humor have to have a point?

  12. Lauren says:

    There’s a difference between something being all in good fun or disguising some weird, vicious offensive feelings behind a mask of what you call “comedy.”

  13. Thomas Ella says:

    Part of the humor here is that you’re supposed to be laughing at Jordan’s persona, as in “not necessarily how she really feels.” So instead of the joke being on young mothers that post on Facebook, it’s on Jordan herself. We’re laughing at her and her ridiculous attitudes and insensitive comments. A great example is Stephen Colbert.

    Nothing makes humor better than having to explain it in great detail.

  14. wow says:

    honestly, who are you to even have an opinion on how someone feels about their own baby? for those young girls who do get pregnant and are responsible and mature enough to raise their baby, they most likely do see him/her as a blessing. it really isn’t any of your business. secondly, everyone is having sex, so why is it that we just pick on those who end up getting pregnant? maybe you should think about that for a second and try and decide what you would do/how you would feel if you did decide to have him/her. if you were brave enough to decide and mother the baby wouldn’t you be pissed if someone told you that you were lying when you said that your child was a blessing? honestly, worry about yourself. write about something you actually know about.

  15. David says:

    Don’t worry Jordan — not all of your readers were offended. I actually thought it was pretty funny.

  16. Ashley says:

    Wow what a seriously hilarious column. New favorite. Thanks Jordan!

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